Admission: An Abridged Script
by somedayangeline
Summary: Sometimes you gotta say, what the heck.


ADMISSION: AN ABRIDGED SCRIPT

INT. PRINCETON ADMISSIONS OFFICE

TINA FEY  
"Boy, do I love my JOB. It's my LIFE. Well, not exactly, because I also have a GREAT PARTNER, MICHAEL SHEEN, that I am in no way, shape or form unhappy with. We don't have kids either because I would never a million, trillion years want them. No, sir, it's all about my JOB."

WALLACE SHAWN  
"TINA, you're a great ADMISSIONS OFFICER. In fact, I think you might just be perfect for my job, after I retire soon. Although, GLORIA REUBEN might also be perfect, too! What a dilemma!"

GLORIA REUBEN  
"The only drawback to TINA is that…she's not a mom!"

TINA FEY  
"Well, you know since I have absolutely no maternal instincts, I give 110 percent to my job…and..  
(answers cell)  
….Hello?"

PAUL RUDD  
"Hi, I'm a teacher at an experimental high school, and we'd like to schedule a visit for you to come talk to our students, although we've never had a student actually apply to college before. Also, I'm pretty sure none of my students even want to go to college, but I might be mistaken."

TINA FEY  
"Wow, this sounds like a perfect opportunity to boost my quota of applicants, most of whom are from top notch secondary institutions and have been groomed for applying since they came out of the womb. I see absolutely nothing suspicious about this whole setup. Be right down!"

EXT. THE QUEST SCHOOL CAMPUS

TINA FEY  
(picks her way through an overgrown courtyard)  
"You weren't kidding….Is that an AXE you're holding?"

PAUL RUDD  
"It certainly is!"

TINA FEY  
"This is a ROM-COM, right?"

PAUL RUDD  
"Never fear. I'm just chopping wood."

TINA FEY  
"OK, then! Hi, eager applicants-to-be. I'm here to tell you all about PRINCETON!"

SMARTASS #1  
"Uh, why would we want to go to such an elitist institution?"

TINA FEY  
"Maybe because without a college degree, you kids are looking at a really bleak job market?"

SMARTASS #2  
"Yeah, but it's not like college graduates are getting hired in droves, are they?"

TINA FEY  
"Damn, these kids are good….Well, according to HOLLYWOOD, you still need college in order to make sure you don't wind up flipping burgers, so there!"

The SMARTASSES are struck SPEECHLESS.

ADORABLE TRAVARIS SPEARS adorably  
"You got punked!"

PAUL RUDD  
"That's my son! He's not ready for college yet, but isn't he cute as a button?"

TINA FEY  
"OK, well, I'm not into kids, and your son qualifies. I'm out of here."

PAUL RUDD  
"Wait, TRAVARIS comes in handy later in the plot. Right now, I want you to meet NATHAN."

NATHAN WOLFF  
"Gosh, Princeton sounds awesome! How do I apply?"

TINA FEY  
"Same way everyone else does."

NATHAN WOLFF  
"By the way, your movie name means WISDOM in Greek."

TINA FEY  
"Wow, this is a special kid indeed!"

PAUL RUDD  
"Not only that, but he just might be the SON you got pregnant with in college and gave up for ADOPTION."

TINA FEY  
"Geez, TMI. Does anyone in this movie know how to pace out character development and plot?"

PAUL RUDD  
"Wait, come back, and I'll buy you a drink!"

TINA FEY  
"Apparently not."

INT. LILY TOMLIN's LAIR of FEMINISM

TINA FEY  
"So Mom, what have you been up to lately?"

LILY TOMLIN  
"Well, I adopted some dogs who I never feed because I am completely lacking in maternal instincts. Also, I had a double mastectomy…."

TINA FEY  
"And you're only just telling me this now?"

LILY TOMLIN  
"See completely lacking in maternal instincts. By the way, I'm renovating your room, and there's nothing in the fridge."

TINA FEY  
"Thanks, Mom…Hello?"

PAUL RUDD  
"Hi, wanna go out to eat?"

TINA FEY  
"This is highly unethical…sure, why not?"

INT. A RESTAURANT

PAUL RUDD  
"I'm a single dad of an adopted minority kid, plus I travel around the world doing good for humanity. My kid doesn't like traveling so much, but otherwise, everything's cool, everything's smooth."

TINA FEY  
"So you're basically a SAINT. Me, I don't like kids at all, and I'm so stressed that I compulsively water my SYMBOLIC BONSAI and Lysol my desk, which is also mega-symbolic. Also I am very much happily in love with MICHAEL SHEEN. So, in case there's any confusion whatsoever, let me recap. JOB - goood; MICHAEL - good. KIDS - bad."

PAUL RUDD  
"That's cool."

TINA FEY  
"This absolutely does not mean we are about to embark on a series of wacky high jinks and coincidences that somehow wind up with us having sex, right?"

PAUL RUDD  
"Nope, I just want to help NATHAN get into college."  
(starts to kiss her)

TINA FEY  
"Hey! Hey, this is unethical!"

PAUL RUDD  
"You know, that "this can't work no way, no how," is always ROM-COM code for "let's have hot sex this minute", right?"

LILY TOMLIN  
(holding shotgun)  
"Get away from my daughter, you perv!"

TINA FEY  
"Mom, put the gun down! I can handle this."

LILY TOMLIN  
"OK, but I wish you would develop some backbone, honey. I'm the only one in the movie with a semblance of it, so far. It's lonely."

INT. TINA'S HOME OF DOMESTIC UN-BLISS

TINA FEY  
"Hi, honey, I'm home. And I brought the bean salad."

MICHAEL SHEEN  
"We have to talk. I think we have a problem."

TINA FEY  
"We're out of wine?"

MICHAEL SHEEN  
"No, idiot. I've met someone, and I'm leaving you. Right this very instant."

TINA FEY  
"Why?"

MICHAEL SHEEN  
"Because you hate KIDS. So do I, but my mistress is preggers with twins. See ya!"

TINA FEY  
(marches out with platter of food)  
"OK, who wants chicken!"  
(goes into closet, has breakdown)

PROFESSOR PLOT POINT  
"Hi, just want to tell you tjat your mom's hot! She's definitely a MILF."

TINA FEY  
"This whole movie is Overshare Central. Goodbye!"

INT. TINA'S OFFICE

TINA FEY  
(on phone)  
"PAUL, I just took a look at NATHAN's transcript, and I think he might be better off applying to Bard or Hampshire. Someplace, where he can major in Finding Himself with a minor in Underwater Basket Weaving."

PAUL RUDD  
"No, seriously, he has his heart set on Princeton. Just like I have my heart set on you."

TINA FEY  
"OK, now that was totally inappropriate. Why don't I just send you some books on applying"

PAUL RUDD  
"And I can send you something whimsical in exchange, making for a montage that will eliminate more awkward dialogue-driven scenes such as this one, as well as succinctly convey that we're falling in love."

TINA FEY  
"Boy, are we on the same wavelength."

EXT. TRAVARIS SPEARS' BIRTHDAY PARTY

LILY TOMLIN  
"So let me get this straight: I sleep with PROFESSOR PLOT POINT, so he'll write NATHAN a good recommendation?"

TINA FEY  
"Pretty much, yep. Even the mere idea that two old people could have a one night stand is a laugh riot."

TRAVARIS SPEARS  
"Yay, TINA showed! Maybe you can convince my dad not to move to Ecuador but stay in America so I can have a somewhat stable childhood. I like you 'cause you're boring! Seriously."

TINA FEY  
"I am NOT boring. I have been having a string of wacky high jinks all revolving around my lack of maternal instincts, thank you very much."

PAUL RUDD  
"TINA, I'm glad you came. I can't wait for you to see what's going to distinguish NATHAN from the other Princeton applicants."

NATHAN WOLFF  
"Ladies and gentlemen, may I present my VENTROQUILIST ACT."

TINA FEY  
"Trust me, he'd be better off running a brothel in his house. That at least, shows business acumen and initiative. This is just weird."

PROFESSOR PLOT POINT  
"Good weird! Now, can I sleep with your mom?"

TINA and LILY both get laid, the high jinks continue, until it's time for….

INT. AN ADMISSIONS DECISION GATHERING ROOM

TINA FEY  
"Now, I know that NATHAN isn't your typical candidate, but I think he is really special and would be an ASSET to our school."

GLORIA REUBEN  
"Uh…he certainly is unique."

WALLACE SHAWN  
"OK, why don't we vote?"

They do, and NATHAN is rejected.

INT. TINA's OFFICE

TINA FEY  
"Hello? Oh, you mean to say that a candidate we accepted is NOT going to Princeton and maybe I could give his slot to another candidate. No! That would be unethical. Goodbye!"

(hangs up, makes beeline for empty records room)

INT. WALLACE SHAWN's OFFICE

WALLACE SHAWN  
(_fishes balls out of desk drawer, blows off dust and straps them on firmly)  
_"I just found out that somehow we sent an ACCEPTANCE LETTER to NATHAN WOLFF, while sending a refusal letter to an applicant that it says here we accepted. This potentially opens up our elite institution for ridicule, and is also dumber than dirt, so you're fired!"

TINA FEY  
(bites lip, looks vulnerable)

WALLACE SHAWN  
"Oh no, that is so not going to work. Leave! And by the way, don't ever mention this to anyone."

TINA FEY  
(_answers phone_)  
"Hello?"

PAUL RUDD  
"You're a miracle worker! Come on down and party with us!"

EXT. A CELEBRATION PARTY

TINA FEY  
"So, NATHAN, guess what? I'm your long-lost mom!"

NATHAN WOLFF  
"Uh, no, I don't think so. See like all adopted kids, I've not only found my birth mom, but just so happen to have my birth certificate to prove it. What you thought was an "eleven" is really a "one." I'm not the Chosen One."

TINA FEY  
"WTF?"

AUDIENCE  
"WTF?"

DIRECTOR PAUL WEITZ  
(jumps up and down, claps hands)  
"You got punked!"

PAUL RUDD  
"Oops, I guess I goofed or something."

TINA FEY  
(gets into car, slams door)  
"I just wrecked my entire career because of you! I hate you."

INT. LILY's LAIR of FEMINISM

TINA FEY  
"Mom, this is your fault, too. It's because I'm the product of a one night stand on a train and you never got my dad's name!"

LILY TOMLIN  
"Hey, I had sex just so you could get a kid that wasn't even yours into Princeton. I resent that...No really, I am so sorry about that. I know if I had, you would be happy and fulfilled. Also with kids of your own."

TINA FEY  
"Well, my next step is clear. I'm gonna track down my real kid!"

She does.

EXT. ANOTHER CELEBRATION

TINA FEY  
"PAUL, I think maybe I overreacted. I love you. I just wish you weren't going off to Ecuador."

PAUL RUDD  
"No, I'm staying right here. I've decided to do what's best for my son. What's that you're clutching?"

TINA FEY  
"It's a letter from the adoption agency saying that….my real son isn't ready to meet with me. Bummer."

PAUL RUDD  
"Oh, well, at least you've got me. And TRAVARIS."

TINA FEY  
"Cool, I like kids! Kids are good. Although, I still don't have a job."

PAUL RUDD  
"Well, you've discovered your maternal instincts AND found true love. So who cares?"

TRAVARIS SPEARS  
(jumps up and down, claps hands)  
"Yay, I got a mom and a dad!"

END


End file.
